Talking of the ex & what he was like. I found an old post. Reading it over was tough, but it was interesting to see how I once felt, especially right in the heat of the moment. Rereading it now with a fresh mind, after all that’s happened in the past three months I want to – I need to – amend it. The way I feel now is so far from what I imagined. I was so clouded back then, so consumed with anger & hurt. There’s not much more I can say other than….here goes.
“We ended on a good note..but perhaps that wasn’t really a good thing. Perhaps if we’d let rip at each other it’d be so much easier to walk away. Instead I saw the man I fell in love with for the first time in months.”
After all that had been said & done why didn’t we let rip at one another, why change the habit of a lifetime ahe? It was a hell of a lot easier to walk away than I could ever have dreamed – & I did dream. What I saw that morning wasn’t the man I thought I’d fallen in love with, it was just the manipulative man I’d always known.
“I can barely see through my tears..will they ever stop? Ever truly stop I mean?”
You know.. after that day I never cried for you once. I never missed you nor pined for you like I thought I would. My tears for you stopped as soon as I locked that door & put my keys through the letter box.
“My skin resembles the path my heart has taken. I’m no longer going to hide those scars. Each one..tells a story. Unfortunately a lot of them tell the story of us. At least the most vicious ones do.. the mental ones are different. Far, far different. But the ones you can see…..”
My skin resembles the path you tore through me. I no longer hide those scars because I’m not being told what to wear. I’m not being told to cover up because I’m disgusting. Of course the mental scars are different from the physical, more than the fact that they would be impossible to portray.
“I’ve left you things here & there. Perhaps I shouldn’t..but I guess I’m just trying to hold on. Maybe to something that wasn’t even there in the first place but..I’m still holding. In a way, I always will be. You will always have a place in my heart.. “
I left you things I bought for you hoping that you’d someday give me a token of your own love..Hoping maybe you’d treat me to something I’d have liked instead of something you wanted for yourself. I was naively holding onto something that was all a part of my imagination. None of it was ever there & no matter how hard I wished, it never would be. But no, I don’t have to hope & pray at all anymore for I have all I need, everything I’ve ever wanted right here next to me. You never truly had a place in my heart, just like I never had a place in yours.
“I don’t want you to carry on as the man you’ve become. I want you to be the man I met 3 years ago..the man I fell head over heels for. The man who showed me what life could be like if only I spread my wings.”
I don’t want to carry on living like the woman you’ve shaped me to be. You’ve always been the same man, the man I had little choice but to leave home & live with. The man who battered & broke what little wings I did have.
“I’ll pull through & eventually I’ll be happy. Hopefully, I’ll be happier than I ever have been.”
I pulled through & hot damn if I’m not happy. Happier than I’ve ever, ever been. I’m so fortunate. Like I’ve always secretly wished I feel like a real life princess who’s been rescued by her prince.
