It’s seems my self injury has become a regular part of my world once again, for now at least. Honestly? Things are too scary for it not to be. I cannot cope with the constant urges on top of everything else.

Early next month my visa runs out & I have to leave Bear for a few weeks, this means facing the music with family. Chances are the abuse & going to the police will be the first thing on the table & it scares me. I’m scared to see people looking at me differently as well.. But it all boils down to the fact I’m going to be dealing with all this shit alone, or at least physically, I will be alone. It’s different than it was before.. months & months of painful longing to be here, safe with Bear, it’s not as bad. But I need him now more than ever..& I know I’ll be dying to get back here. But like the past three months has flown by, I surely hope those four weeks will be gone in a flash & I’ll be back in his arms again.

I have a lot to do before I come back to the states; I need a new doctor, I need to look into some form of help for myself. I need to do something about this terrible anxiety I’m experiencing pretty much every time I leave the house or have to deal with anyone. I don’t want to go back on medication, but if that’s what it’s going to take, if that’s what will stop me from feeling as sick as I do at the mere thought of some of the things that shouldn’t even make me blink…then so be it.

Recently I’ve been having the strongest of flashbacks, triggered by the strangest of things. It’s certainly been a long time since I’ve dissociated too, but here I am again. It’s a very, very frightening thing… again, triggered by things I never even knew were triggering for me.

But after all, this is the first time I’ve ever fully acknowledged what happened to me. Okay maybe not fully, I’m not ready to fully accept it yet, but you know what I mean.

This is the first relationship I’ve ever had where my partner actually gets it. I mean, he doesn’t get it completely – I wouldn’t expect anyone who hasn’t been through abuse to do so – but he gets it. And that helps.

But yes, this is all very new to me, both of us in fact. So perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised things are happening like they are. You keep something bottled up, buried, hidden for years…it’s only a matter of time before it creeps back out to bite you. Only, it didn’t exactly creep…I’m actually more inclined to say it burst out of me like the alien from John Hurts’ stomach.

Yeah, exactly like that.