Since coming off my medication back in October last year my social anxieties/phobias have gotten worse & I’ve even developed some new ones! Oh goody! So since I’m on a bit of a roll with my blogging I thought I’d list a few.. Keep my hands busy – For a start, I’m actually sitting outside, on my own, where people can see me. I am paranoid that everyone stares at me where ever I go, it’s a real effort just to pick up the mail in the mornings.. but I’m making myself do this today, I have to do this. So the more distracted I am with my blogging, the better. So prepare for a long one!
I’m a nightmare when it comes to answering phones – thank god for call screening & voicemail. I’m fine if it’s someone I’m close to – or maybe that should be someone I actually want to talk to, but otherwise, I’m a wreck. I mentioned in my 100 Things that I like to write down what I want to say, like a script if I’m calling a company & making a request.. More often than not I don’t follow it to a tee but it at least gives me the confidence.
Public restrooms are my pet peeve. I have a terrible time dealing with the germs, the squatting, the washing of hands.. You know those taps that you have to push & hold down for the water to come through? I end up washing them too.. I mean it’s all very well washing one hand, but it’s only going to get dirty again when you have to hold the tap down for the other hand. What happens when you’ve got to open the restroom door afterwards??!! I freak out & use the sleeve of my jumper/coat so I’m then left with a contaminated sweatshirt for the rest of the day.. that’s what happens!
Drying my hands on the same towel other people have used? How about No.
Before using the toilet paper I have to tear off the first square – the used square that’s most likely been touched by the person before me. That’s after I’ve lined the seat with half a roll.. In the states sometimes they have seat covers… but in the UK, its a different story.
If the toilet is dirty, there’s not a snowballs chance in hell I’m using it & I will put up with cramps & irritation plus I’ll derive myself of fluids until I find somewhere I’m comfortable with. I never ever used the bathrooms in school, I always waited till I got home (God help me if I was locked out!)..
When a lock doesn’t work on the door I’ll panic & attempt the risky business of squatting whilst holding the door closed tight.. I did have someone burst in on me when I was younger so this one isn’t completely out of nowhere I promise!
Portaloos? Don’t even go there.
Holy crap that’s a lot of bathroom issues.
I’m frightened of pool drains, always have been, always will be. Not to mention I once cut my knee really badly on one when I was wee.. Gah, they’re scary &…dirty.
I have this intense fear whenever someone knocks on my door. Buzzers are fine, but knocking…does something to me. I freeze up & start to panic.. I’m not as bad as I once was, I at least answer it now.. it may take me a bit, especially if I’m not expecting anyone plus there’s no spy hole in the door so I can’t see who it is. Not so long ago I remember hiding under a table because someone was knocking on the door & wouldn’t go away. It turned out to be my ex, he’d forgotten his key. But all the same, it took me a good 30 minutes to finally answer the door – & the phone. Yeah, door & phone at the same time? Forget it – & that’s just what I did!
I’m freaked out by the germs from money, every time I’m handed my change, especially in coins, I can’t help but think about the number of hands they’ve already passed through. It disturbs me more if the person giving me my change is also handling my food.
The part when you’ve just taken off & the plane is ascending..then it levels a little but it feels like the engines have fallen off & you’ve suddenly stopped completely & you’re going to fall to your death? Yeah, that makes me audibly yelp & grip on for dear life. Even when I’m expecting it, it still makes me cry out.
More prominently, recently my fear of death has become almost unbearable. Things like being a passenger in a car scares me.. falling down the stairs & breaking my neck.. My mind keeps playing & replaying different scenarios & they’re really starting to scare me… this is definitely something I will be bringing up with my GP/Psych, don’t worry.
I hate hate hate starting conversations, unless I know someone very well. I will go to great lengths to avoid people if I’m feeling unable to talk & unconfident. I fear I’ll dry up mid conversation/ sentence or lose my train of thought – I’m pretty prone to that already. Though more so when I was on my medication… Perhaps I’m doing better.
Another bathroom freak out is when the shower curtain is closed.. I’m terrified there’s someone or something waiting behind there to get me.
The whole getting ready & leaving the house part of going out is a big, big deal to me.. more so when I’m on my own.
Anything residual/invisible to the naked eye (fecal/vomit/semen/virus/germs) that’s living in my kitchen, my bathroom or my bed, door knobs, shopping trolleys, silver wear/cutlery or heaven forbid my keyboard.
Greeters, store greeters…”Can I help you find your size” kind of greeters.
I”m terrified of food poisoning. I vividly remember being in Portugal with my mum when she was so ill with it… vomiting everywhere. Fuck it was scary. I cried & cried, holding onto my Lion (I’ve mentioned him before) but no-one would come & make it stop. I think this is where my hate for leftovers comes from..
That’s all I’m gonna go into for now. I have to say, after a few hours out here I’m feeling pretty comfortable.
