My self injury is so much more than just a release. More than just pain, anger & despair from the inside to the outside..

Maybe it’s true. My self injury really did start with the my uncle. Sure, I remember biting & hitting myself after my dad left but it really started with the abuse. I mean, there’s no hiding the fact I was SI active when you see photo’s of me back then. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that that bastard had such control over me, I’m disgusted to admit that it was him who caused me to start cutting.

Sometimes I feel like there is someone else inside me. The girl before the abuse.. I see parts of her each & every time I cut. I can’t get to her. Even if I could, it’s not like it’d do any good. What’s been has gone &… well she was so young, with everything else she’d never be able to survive out on her own.

I’d love to bring her out sometime & hold her. Hold her like Bear holds me, so she might for once feel safe & warm. But I don’t know how to find her, she deep inside the person I am now & honestly? I’m terrified of letting her out for fear of losing my sanity.

Sometimes when I’m crying in Bears arms I feel her pulling at me to get out. From nowhere comes a cry inside. A cry that I was only 13. A cry that tells everything he did to me. I want so badly to say it, to scream it.. but in my panic all I can do is barricade her behind closed doors.

Have I become my own keeper?