It’s been a stressful 4 days. Yeah, I’ve not even been here a week & I’m going shit crazy.

A lot of it was to do with being unable to be online = speaking to Bear for free. But we’ve finally cleared that hurdle thank fuck. He’s in my ear now as I blog infact & good god it’s free. No more international phone calls baby.. Can you believe it?!

I’ve never been so happy to see a Connected sign in my life. I am fucking kick ass awesome, if I may say so myself. Sit & spin BT, you mangy mother fuckers. Yeah, that’s right, you.

For the first time since early August last year I have the freedom to use the internet in my own home. Well, of course I had the freedom to do whatever I chose with Bear but we’re talking Scotland 4500 miles away home now. For a few weeks at least.

There’s been bigger problems with family. I was totally fooled into believing things would be different. But my mum is still as flaky, my Stepdad (CF) still a Control Freak & my dad is still completely irrational & his wife, hell, she can go raffle her doughnut.

I’m slightly bewildered about the people who have been told about the abuse in my absence.

I feel like it’s the first thing people see when they meet me. It was pretty evident this morning with CF’s family.. something in the way they looked at me. I later found out for certain that they knew. But that’s nothing, I can deal with that.

It’s the tension in this house. The way my mum freaks out over nothing, getting angry over everything from fluff on the carpet to the fact I haven’t drunk my tea fast enough. CF has made me feel like that 16 year old he kicked out the house 4 years ago. No, I’ll never forgive you. But that’s not the point. Or maybe it is. Maybe things will always be shit with him until we address the issues.. I don’t know.

My dad pissed me off big style yesterday. We were talking about the abuse. Firstly, he keeps calling that fucker my uncle. He is not my uncle. He is nothing to me.. but more so, he tells me..

“So maybe you were babysitting, he came home drunk & his wife went to bed. You were looking hot & were a bit of a tease. Maybe you’d even had a drink too. So things went further than they should. It’s like how a lot of people get pregnant, they start with a snog but things get carried away… but to let it carry on & happen again?!”

Pardon my french but what the FUCK?

Victim blaming, a father blaming his own daughter. That’s it right there.

Even if he hadn’t been stone cold sober. Even if I had looked nice. Even if I had been a prick tease. I was thirFUCKINGteen. It was rape. Incest. RAPE. He just doesn’t get it does he?

I’ve been on my abusers business website, looking around. There’s a pattern with this guy online & elsewhere. He uses his old address, never discloses his name… He’s so anonymous it’s damning. It makes me certain I’m not the only one. I’d love, next time his customers to bring up the page for there to be a huge “THIS MAN IS A RAPIST & A PAEDOPHILE”….

He told me a few times, never to tell anyone because he would lose his wife, kids, business, everything. What about what I lost you cunt. He needs to lose everything & more.

Talking with my mum about things today, I realized just how much I’ve blocked out.. but things are coming back & with them, biggest of all is rage.