Yesterday I made the mistake of bumping into my stepfather’s mother on the bus & apparently there isn’t a “time & a place”. Her first words were about “it”. We all know what IT is, but seriously, have the balls to give it a name. Anyway, she asked me straight off; “Was there anyone else involved”.
What the fucking fuck?!
“It must be hard for your dad”. – Heh, never mind me ahe.
“Are you going to take it to court?” – Urm, one step at a time?
“Well, you can’t let him away with it”. – You know what, if I want to “let him away with it”, then I will. I will. That’s not to say others will. But I might.
All this left a nasty taste in my mouth.
Revenge. That’s what’s been running through my mind since I arrived home.
Today I collected every phone number & address to his name. Every now & again during my raking of drawers I’d come across photo’s of his kids. His daughter is twelve now, I was thirteen. No, she’s not my responsibility I’m afraid, but still.
I’ve never felt anger about the abuse before. All I’ve every really done is block it out & pretend it never happened. But now, I’m thinking about it, more & more.
I no longer want to cut myself, I want to cut him. I don’t want to go through a court case, I want to go through contacts that can do what he did to me & more.
My mum talks to me about what she’d do if she met him. But really, we don’t ever know until it happens. Sometimes I see myself curling up into a frightened ball..other times I see myself going for his throat. I just don’t know.
Today..today I want to meet him. I want him to come round. And I want to be ready & waiting. I want to lure him in..make him think he’s in control again but little does he know, I am the one who’s about to take away everything he’s ever known & loved. Perhaps I’ll start with his genitals. Maybe his fingernails. No matter how I start, it all ends with his blood.
I want to cut out that bastards balls & ram them so far down his throat they come out his arse.
The Cucumber Incident anyone? A grandmother, both her daughters & a daughter in law who after discovering this man had raped her 5 year old granddaughter..raped him, with a gourd?
I gotta say, that’s looking pretty damn good from where I’m sitting.
