Call it irrational. But it’s hard to ignore in the moment when I meet people who knew Bears ex-wife. I feel like I’m being compared by all of them. Chances are I probably am, but then again, maybe not. I don’t know.
Where has this come from?
Well, Bear might have an opportunity for work up in New York again. So next time I come over, it may well be to somewhere completely new.
When we planned my first trip over to the states, we thought we would be in NYC but things changed – the job he was in, or rather, the long time friend he was working for, fucked off & things fell through. However it didn’t bother me either way where we’d be & I’m happy we’ve started off in Kentucky. It’s less… scary? I mean, we’re still in a city, & a wonderful one at that, but it’s nowhere near the same scale of liveliness.. nowhere near…well hell, New York fucking City you know?!
Again, call it irrational but I’m pretty damn intimidated by it all. I feel like, in NY, there’s standards I have to live upto. It could be worse, we could be talking LA, but I feel like – & I said it aloud last night – that to live in NYC I’d have to lose more weight. I’m terrified of walking down the street & being the fat one. I don’t feel that so much here in KY, but Louisville isn’t that sort of place. People are different here. To my mind anyway. I mean, sometimes I feel this way no matter where I am.. but for it to be the first thing to come to my mind about living in NY, well damn, it’s a pure shame right?
Yes, it is said old friend who Bear would be back working for again, & yes, he did know & like Bears ex-wife. I do not like this guy as it is, so that doesn’t help my anxiety but I can just see him comparing me… gah. I hate the whole notion.
It’s really difficult to explain the logic & all in this but I felt I had to express it, even though I’m not exactly sure myself what I’m so scared of…
I guess I’ve sort of got over the anxiety with his family, but it’s still lingering with the friends. I mean, I don’t exactly want to live up to this woman (especially after what she did to him..but we won’t go there) who Bear once loved enough to marry – heh, funny how that makes one feel.. I lost count of the times I said to people I could never be involved with a divorcee.. figures.
Now that I think about it, perhaps the only person making any comparison is myself. Sounds about right. After all, some of the things I think about… they’re sure as hell not going to wonder…..
