Walking down the street today, trying to kill some time before the bus was due, we passed a cluster of restaurants where we simultaneously voiced our hunger pains. Bear pointed out a place we could go & snap I clocked her. The waitress, dressed like a schoolgirl slut – their uniform evidently. I point blank refused & along with that, my hunger disappeared competely. Or did it. I know exactly what’s going on. I’ve replaced one addiction for another. I’ve replaced my self injury with my eating disorder. My ED has always been there. Since my school days it’s been there, but for the past fours months it’s pretty much been hanging around like a bad smell.

Back in High school I’d never ever eat lunch. I’d never eat Breakfast either for that matter but that goes without saying – I’m not a breakfast person. After school though I’d buy a mountain of chocolate & gorge on it, alone in my room.

For this I blame my stepdad. Things in that house (the house I’m having to live in for 6+ weeks each time I have to leave the US) are very controlled. My step father is a control freak & my mother is very much in submission. There’s no such thing as a “snack” nor is there a large serving at dinner, let alone seconds without a huge guilt trip. The numerous comments this man made about my body image in my teenage years has stuck on me like glue. So I learned to comfort eat. This also grew worse during my last relationship. I’m talking tubs of ice-cream devoured in a matter of minutes, then hidden in the garden shed. Bar after bar, wrapper after wrapped hidden in the bottom of the trash, hidden in drawers, wardobes, pockets, bags. I was & still am incredibly ashamed. Oh god, it was terrible.

Nowadays, I don’t eat during the day. But really, that’s not something new either. I’ll knock back cup of tea after cup of tea, but that’s it. Even when I was working hard, physical labour 12-14 hours a day. Perhaps two sugars in one cup mid day when I felt my energy dipping.. but nothing more. Yes, people noticed. No, I didnt’ care.

Late evening comes & I feel I have to eat something, mainly because it’s dinner time & Bear will be eating too.. if it weren’t for him, I doubt I’d even bother. I don’t feel hungry at all. Well, I do, but I enjoy that emptiness.. with that comes the reassurance I won’t put on anymore weight today.. & for some reason, that’s what makes everything okay.

Fuck, it’s becoming more & more clear.

When I do eat, it’s not much. My appetite just leaves me as soon as I see food. Even with half a portion I feel sickly full & I hate it. I hate feeling even the slightest bit full. I want to feel hungry. I want my stomach to growl. I want to be empty.

This is what I do now. This is my self injury. It’s no wonder I’ve been wondering where the urges to cut have gone. It’s all right fucking here & it has been all the long.

It was so much worse back in Scotland & I know it will be again.

But there’s an even bigger thing on my mind, & that’s about the clocking of certain types of women. Christ I can’t even call them attractive can I. But I swear, I can clock an even vaguely attractive woman a mile off & as she draws closer, I freak out more. I’m constantly watching. I mean, I’ve been conditioned to. Mostly, it’s come from my last relationship. I simply cannot cope if there’s an even remotely skinny/pretty/young/whatever female anywhere near me.

So, I clock the girls right, then I watch Bear.. watching to see if he sees them. It’s so fucked up. But then again, I’m left surprised pretty much every single time. He’s too busy watching birds fly into trees & the remnants of the Starbucks mint chocolate chip Frappuccino on my lips. (Christ on a bike are they good).

So yeah, I’m having big issues right now. This has been the first one to come to the boil. I don’t know what to do. Will it ever stop? Will I ever be able to walk past an attractive woman without my mood snapping from happy & content to suicidal?

It’s been so long now, so many years of this & I don’t see a way out.