Today was a cleaning day. I’m not talking a nice spring clean either. I’m talking a stressed out, cleaning everything I can reach spree.

This is something that runs in my mother’s family. She herself is incredibly anal about the house being clean. She does a full hoover each & every day, she can’t sit still unless everything is clean & she can get pretty darn aggressive about it too.. which brings me to her sister. She’s even worse, so much so that her husband nearly divorced her because of it. He was tired of coming waking up in the morning & walking into a redecorated bathroom & coming home at night to a freshly painted living room. She’s calmed down somewhat but every time I visit, at least two of the rooms have been redecorated. Christ knows the money she’s spent on the house too, all to go to waste. One has to think very carefully about what they eat at my aunts house.. anything that will create crumbs is a big no, no.. there goes my favorite Kizito cookies.

So, I think we can see why I quite enjoyed my chambermaid work yes?

Once I get started, I walk a thin line. It all depends on my stress levels though. Sometimes it’s not until I crash after a huge cleaning session that I realize there’s something deeper going on.

Yes, today there was something deeper.

It’s a collection of issues. Some surrounding my abuser & my statement. More around my having to leave the US again soon, to go back to a place I despise.

I’m feeling incredibly insecure, quite like I talked about yesterday. I’m not feeling terribly wanted either. Not to go into detail, but when you take a step back & let someone know that you will be waiting when they come round & decide they want you.. weeks go by & they still haven’t come back to you like you thought they would.. well it’s tough. Real tough. There’s so much more to this, but I don’t feel I can write about it here, not in a public post anyway.

On a brighter note, the bath time bandit – Rocky is doing great. Miss Toonces & him have been interacting more & more. She’s learned to give him a good swat when he needs it too which saves me the bother!

I never appreciated quite how big she was until Rocky. She’s HUGE! Hell, I’d be scared of her if I were him – I am scared of her! They have touched each other now & again the past few days.. as I type this they actually touched noses before Miss T hissed. She’s still doing that when he gets too close.. but damn, if I was a kitten & some big kitty was waving her big long tail in my face, I’d touch it too!

It’s really great to see them getting on though. It was all very upsetting at first..but they Miss Toonces is finally coming round

Not forgetting a 3 months, 3 weeks & 3 days Self injury free!