I woke up today believing it was the 1st of August. I forgot there are 31 days in July. I feel like I’ve been given an extra day..which is exactly why we crawled out of bed at 12pm but we didn’t know it then..

Today holds a favorite pastime. A trip to Wal Mart. Yes, I’m sad. The equivalent in Scotland is Asda – which is actually Wal Mart.. I know so many people who would be mortified to know such truth.

I was remembering this morning how odd I thought it was my mother asking me if I had brought my diary over here with me. I told her I had & didn’t think anymore of it. Why couldn’t she just have said that the police were interested in it. Why am I such a fucking child?!

You know, the police didn’t even realize I was an adult – shows how much they read of the report. But seriously, how my mother & stepfather have portrayed myself is so… I mean “We read it in her diary because we couldn’t resist going through her shit”… it makes me sound like a kid.

All the time they’ve spent bearing down on me this past year, perhaps if they’d done that when I was 13…. No, it’s not a nice thing to say, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

So because they fucked up back when, they’re over compensating for it now. How cliché me thinks.

Last night, something happened that I won’t be blogging about publicly, but I realized how scared I was of all this. I’m terrified of making this statement. I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. I don’t want to do it. I’ve been pressured into doing it by everyone other than Bear. I feel that if I can just do this one bit, then everyone will get off my back. Pressing charges wasn’t part of the deal, but I know they’ll push me for that too.. that is where I’ll put my foot firmly down. I feel I can’t do that at this point.

Everyone says this will help me, this will give me closure, this will stop it all coming back to bite me later in life. Like I’ve said before, how can something come back to bite me when it never leaves?

Tomorrow will be the start of my last month here. We’re no further forward. I’d happily bet nothing will have happened across the pond by the time I go back there after having made my statement either.

My mum has been ringing & emailing like crazy wanting to know updates on things. She woke us up the other morning (She has a bad habit of “forgetting” the 5 hour time difference) just to ask if I’d heard anything from the police. I mean, really? Thats the last thing I want to think about let alone talk about first thing in the morning. I was like… fuck, no.. Go away woman. Doesn’t it ever enter her mind that when something happens, i.e. I make my statement, that I’ll tell her? She does this thing where she’ll phone for apparent reason, she’s been doing this for years & has started doing it to my dad too, much to his annoyance.. but I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to experience her incessant awkwardness. You sit there on the phone, in silence like..Well? What is it? What are you calling for? Stop pussyfooting around goddamn it, you know? There have been times she hasn’t spat it out either & I’ve ended the call thinking… what in the fuck?!

Anyway, I guess I’ll it quits on todays ramble.. Besides, we’ve got a Wal Mart to storm.