I do warn you, writing this is my last resort to self-injuring, if I’m not feeling any better after this, it’s fucking over I swear down.

So I came home after a long night & began venting to Bear about how seeing my father again ended up in him trying to force things with me & his wife.

I told my dad straight up, look; there’s time for all that, I haven’t even been here 24 hours. You can’t force things – because evidently it makes things a hell of a lot worse.

Doesn’t it?!

Point is he basically told me that if I didn’t make up with his wife, he wouldn’t be at my wedding. I’ve heard this before, but as the wedding (if you can even call it such a thing on our budget) is 9 months away I knew we’d have time to sort things out. As much as I wanted them sorted out that is… more in the sense of my father coming alone.

So I come home & fill Bear in briefly on the goings on & then went through to the living room to join my mother & step-father to try & be sociable for an hour (after all this is their house remember..Sigh.)

I come back to find that it’s been all happy families between Bear, my father & his bitch ass whore of a wife.

So of course she was all smiles & giggles with him.

She was “really sweet“.

“I’m so pleased to hear of your engagement”

“I’m really looking forward to seeing Aria“

To which he completely bullshitted that the feeling was mutual.

“I’m sure Aria is looking forward to seeing you & showing you the ring”

Yeah, showing her the ring through her fucking throat maybe.

Why he played the bullshit card & returned the sentiments of which I know were pulled out of the same hat on her end, I dont’ know. I’m so pissed that he spoke for me like that. What happened to them all fucking themselves & going to hell he’d been shouting about not an hour ago?!

I’m so angry that she was like that with Bear too. We haven’t spoken since Christmas 2007 for fucks sake, even after two openings for her;

1) When she found out I’d been sexually abused – that bitch found out I had been fucking RAPED & she didn’t say a fucking word – but oh, get Bear on the phone & she’s all fucking over him like flies to shit.

2) When we announced our engagement. – a much smaller fucking window may I add, yet much, much easier to say something no?!

But no, nothing, not a fucking peep. Quite like the rest of this fucking bunch.

My dad’s most recent quote after my asking what exactly became of their cosy little conversation was;

“I’ve to give you time and you WILL make the effort with the wife”

Will? WILL?!

Fucking watch me.

I’m so upset & angry it’s completely overcome me, it’s been so long since I felt like this. So much has gone on today with the police too, not to mention my mother telling me there’s nothing I can do about my statement & the fact they will do what they want. Again, fucking WATCH ME!

FUCK.

I cannot cope with this bullshit. Now I can handle it from their side, I’ve tread through it a thousand times, but to see Bear leave my side & pull a stunt like this, fuck, it sucks.

I never saw it coming at all.

“I said I would encourage you to make amends, so I’m asking you, as your fiance, to take the opportunity”

And what happened when I bluntly & adamantly said “No”?

Oh, my mistake. You didn’t hang up on me, the computer crashed.

Right. You sure as hell hung up the next time though didn’t you.

I can’t believe he fucking turned on me like that.

I said no & I’ll say it again, with very good reason, reasons I believed he agreed with. He certainly agreed it was all too soon, or at least I thought he did. But hell, I don’t even know anymore. I wish I could say I didn’t care, but I do.

Fucking FUCK!

I want my father to walk me down the aisle but no, I can’t even have that can I – because it is not worth making up with that bitch for. Believe me, it’s not. If he’d really rather chose her over me – (which is nothing my mother didn’t do to me with her husband 5 years ago) if he’d rather chose her over that moment in my life, then fine. It’s not like he fucking walked out & abandoned me when I was 4 years old anyway. It’s not like he never fucking bothered. Tell me, how many times did he pick up the goddamn phone the last three months? Yet he can go texting young men in the fucking Philippines right? Right.

What I even have to make up for, I don’t even know. Why it’s always me who has to bow the fuck down, I’ll never understand. What the fuck do I have to say sorry for?! Please Christ, give me one good reason??

And yes, it is my family, very unlike his own which, goddamn it, I wish I was lucky enough to have had. And I will do whatever I please, to boot.

My dad goes on about how she’s stuck in her culture – she’s forty-fucking-seven & she’s lived in Scotland since she was nine. So lets burn that old trick shall we. Show me your fucking Visa bitch!

I will not be the first one, I have no reason to be anything toward her, I’m simply not interested. And this, this complete slap in the face has so royally fucked things. Thank you.And yes, it is my family, very unlike his own which, goddamn it, I wish I was lucky enough to have had.

But alone I go in saying fuck you & goodnight I guess.