I’m itching to blog, but every time I attempt I end up frustrated at myself because well, I can’t seem to put down in words how I’m feeling right now.
20th of September & I still haven’t heard dick about my statement. It’s been nearly three months since I gave the word. That’s rich for sure.
I was searching for my bus fare this morning in an old money box & I came across a shiny shard of glass – an old aid to my self-injury. I’ve been triggered pretty much all day. It’s been a long time since I came across a surprise like that – especially as the last of the ‘tools’ I thought I had I handed over to Bear to get rid of a month ago.
It’s been nearly 6 months since my last cut yet the small stuff still niggles at me….
I had chocolate for the first time in ages today, or should I say, I fucking binged for the first time in months. I can’t even clear half the dinner plate (when I actually have dinner that is) but give me a pack of 12 mini-rolls (kinda like Ho-Ho’s) & they’re gone before the sun sets.
Honestly, I feel like shit. I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling & work is just… work. I’m someone else there, but it doesn’t make me feel any better when I sign out.
I noted that this would be post number 200, but hell, I can hardly be arsed to make it memorable.
Sigh, sorry folks. There’s so much more to this but the point is; I’m feeling really insecure & I don’t know how to help it. It will pass, it always does, it’s just a shame it never lasts.
Next time.
I am so proud of you for not cutting when you found that glass…I know the ONLY way for me to not hurt myself, is to rid myself of my “favorite tools”.
Just keep remembering… only 1 month, 3 weeks, and 5 days till you are home safe!
Hugs
Zoe
By: zoe23 on September 19, 2008
at 9:40 pm
There was a time when it would have sent me into a complete & utter tail spin. I need to get rid of it, I should have got rid when I first found it but, there went that voice inside me again… plus it’s 3am here & well, it’s too late & too dark to even begin to try getting it as far away from me as possible. But tomorrow….
Thank you for the sweet countdown reminder, that helps greatly.
Ah, home
By: AudaciousAria on September 19, 2008
at 9:51 pm
I’m having trouble getting stuff up too. The info is there, and many of it is even close to being published but I just can’t finish.
Been in a rut the last week or so…miss being in the zone, when stuff can just flow freely.
Congrats on post 200, regardless of what it says or how it turns out…just remember you got here, feel good about that.
You don’t have to throw the glass far away, hell put it in a bag, smash it, then throw that bag in the nearest dumpster outside.
By: drcorner on September 20, 2008
at 10:20 pm