The family has gone completely radio silent. It’s unreal. Actually it’s pretty amusing, especially after I actually spoke to the detective & found out the scope first hand.

Re this post, my step-dad is talking out of his ass. But we knew that anyway. Yet, they just cannot accept that this is it. What, did they really think it would be as easy as arresting him, carting him off to prison & they’d never have to deal with him again?

Honestly I’m dying to know what people are thinking & saying. After all the bullshit they put on me, the guilt trips & the “think of the children!”, “you must save the other victims!” … it is more than just a relief to know I did everything I could, but it is because of Scottish law, that he walks free, not me.

I wonder what life is like for him right now. But like I said, the family has literally gone AWOL, so I don’t even know what life is like for them let alone him.

I’ve had a few people try to bring me on the “well it’s done now so lets forget about it” band-wagon. Funnily enough, it’s just not that easy. One does not forget about things like this. Why is that always the answer when anyone who really thinks about it would know that was merely a Standard Reply. Frankly, I’d rather have no reply than a standard reply. Give me something real. Please.

I mean, they forced me to bring this all back up from the depths,  like a bad piece of fish brings up your entire insides. Only I wish it had been like food-poisoning, since once it’s all been regurgitated you can move along to the next meal. But alas, dragging past sexual abuse out in public, telling & re-telling your story to handfuls of different people, all of which look at you & respond differently, is no easy feat. Nor, once they have decided that’s enough & it’s over, does it automatically go away…

I have found no closure when it comes to my mental anguish & pain. I found perhaps 30 seconds of euphoria in learning he had finally been taken in, but the rug was pulled very quickly from under me. They pretty much cut my legs off whilst I was running. But alas, nothing I can do – thank Christ. No-one can blame me.

All in all, I have not dealt with it. I’ve no dealt with it at all. I can talk about some of it, I can revel in him being called out on it & shitting himself because of it. But I haven’t dealt with any of what he did to me, & the consequences of that – The path of destruction he set me on. The past year of police has been but a blur. And you know, not one person has offered me any kind of mental support. Not even the police. Sure, the last DC I spoke to asked me how I was coping but he didn’t offer me any form of counselling. Besides, that alone was the closest anyone has come to focusing on me, since finding out.

Oh but now that I’ve made my statement & the police have done their part, it won’t come back to haunt me now, will it? After everyone using that excuse like they knew what the hell they were talking about, it better fucking not. But what am I saying, of course it will. Because I am not dealing with it. I don’t know how to & finally, I haven’t been given the chance.

Every now & again, like maybe twice a month, I might have a flash of rage over the abuse. But like my cigarette, I suck it up then stamp it out. Done & onto the next one.

I still can’t cry.

So, where do I go from here I wonder. I guess I just bury it all over again & carry on like life is wonderful..