15 months, 2 weeks & 2 days since the last time I cut myself. I say cut because I have hit myself at least a few times in the past year. It’s not the same thing, it doesn’t give exactly the same results but… I feel like saying “self injury”.. Meh, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m not cutting, that’s the point.

I have this friend from my last job who’s very sweet & trustworthy. I decided to tell him I used to SI, I mean he’d noticed the scars & all but I’d never actually said it. He took it okay I guess.. he took the news about my being sexually abused, a few weeks later, even better. But he sort of blew it last week when he told me how pissed he’d be at me if I ever cut again.

I felt this big. That’s the thing, most people don’t understand that saying how angry they’ll be if I do this again makes it worse. And if I ever do do it again, I’m really going to go for it because after all, they’ll be angry so I might as well make it count.

It sounds crazy to anyone who doesn’t understand, I know. But saying something like that, threatening someone like that is not the answer. The answer is only love & support.

The weather here is so dreary & depressing, it’s not helping. I’ve had a nasty uti the past week so I’ve been off work. I’m savouring my last days of freedom before I have to get back to busting my ass. God I hate my job. I just want to go home.

Evidently I’m nothing but a name on a file, talk about treating people with respect right. Fucking immigration. If I was Mexican I’d have hopped the freakin’ border by now & claimed asylum. Hell, Obama’s going to grant all these bastards sanctuary soon (so he can get out of sending his aunt back to the jungle).

Did y’all like his “no excuses!” preach to his “fellow blacks”? Yeah, what can I say. Sometimes I feel it’s like watching Everybody Hates Chris.

God I wanna come home. Even if shit has kicked off with the family. But hey ho, nothing I’m not dealing with here (ten times worse). I made the point of expressing my..anger at not being able to be myself.. & Bear made the point that everyone has sort of, sheltered his parents from..well, real life. One of the things I have an issue with is religion. I’ve been swayed back & forth but I do believe my opinion will never change. My intellectual mind just won’t allow me to believe that there is some supreme being who, if I don’t believe in, will send me straight to hell when I die.

I’m on Facebook right, & I did this quiz (something I kept seeing on people’s pages, bragging about how they were 100% Christian. It annoyed the shit out of me so I thought I’d give it a go myself

“ARE YOU A TRUE CHRISTIAN??” the result: TODAYS THE DAY TO START OVER!….

Today’s the day of salvation. if your reading this its because God is calling you… not to a religion, not to a cult! but to him! to have a relationship with him. stop trying to love only for yourself.God loves you! your far from God right now… we all were at some point in our lives. but i wanna let you know its never too late. he will always forgive, theres no sin God wont forget. he will throw it deep in the ocean where no one could ever find it. he’s callin you with open arms! he’s knocking on your door! will you answer?

What did I think of my result?

Basically my result was “Oh my god she’s hopeless, let’s give her some hope!”

I love the photo that comes with this too. Because I’m not a Christian I’m a failure? Nice. Nor am I in despair, sat with my head in my hands, oh woe is me. I pick myself up by the bootstraps & deal with life & it’s bullshit. I am a strong woman, I am an intelligent woman. Frankly, this is nothing but offensive – & exactly why I do not conform to the notion there is a supreme being & that if I believe in him, I’ll go to heaven but if I don’t & I do things like, live with my boyfriend for 2 years before getting married, premarital sex, sinning & not repenting, dropping F bombs left, right & center …I could go on & on. But I digress other than just to say, this is a joke & so is religion.

I do wonder how many “friends” I offended with this. I mean, to name a few that got me fired up enough to start this ball rolling; Bear’s ex-wife, whom he hasn’t spoken to in 8 years had the cheek to tell him he “shouldn’t be Agnostic“. I mean, what the fuck? You shouldn’t be a lying, cheating slut! But ya don’t see him throwing that in her face.

Anyhoo. What else can we cover today? We’ve done politics, race, religion, health, family, self harm, immigration.. Any suggestions?