So I went out & enjoyed myself every night for 6 days. Whoopdy fucking do.

Shit me a coconut, is it really that wrong? Was it really that crazy? Or like you so nicely put it “pathetic”.

How on earth living like the 21 year old woman I am, translates into being pathetic I have no idea. Maybe when I was with my ex & I couldn’t even cross the threshold & leave the house without popping a pill.. that’s pathetic. But this, I’d have thought you’d have been…happy for me.

You know how shit it’s been here the past 5 months? You know how hard I’ve worked to keep it together? 5 months here & I could have sworn that only now have I found some sort of sanity. But you say I’ve gone crazy. Well, I guess it works the same way with when my family call me selfish, where in fact it’s them who are fucked up.

I’m pretty sure this is nothing but good old jealously. I understand, believe me. However, pushing my buttons, never mind pushing me away… isn’t helping. I stayed home tonight, not because I had no other option but because I wanted to spend some time with you – after all, I haven’t seen you all week. But look how that ended. And don’t deny that you weren’t drunk. I am not an idiot. In fact I’ve probably been taken for a fool for far to long now. Regardless of age, who would want to live like this?

I didn’t realize until last Saturday quite how unhappy I was. Since then I’ve had the time of my life. I’ve discovered & rediscovered so many things. I’m feeling very lucky right now. Lucky to be alive & lucky to be able to experience the things I have & am doing.

There’s been a line here that needed crossed a long time ago, not so much in our relationship but something that’s been drilled into me by so many people from my past (& my present). It’s been almost like having a noose around my neck, or wearing a ball & chain… No matter how different you are, the voices from the past still dictate to me every now & again.

Last Saturday I crossed over, I took control & I chose something other than….well, somebody else. I chose myself & I chose what I wanted to do. In a way I might even have chosen my future. Maybe it’s a detour, I don’t know. My gut at least tells me it’s too late, it’s impossible even, to carry on the way I was. I can still follow the same route you understand, I just have to do it in my own way & in my own time. However I’m not sure that’s possible anymore. My options are weighed…& I’m not sure I like the odds. Mind you, I’m just crazy right?

If this is crazy, I think I like it. If anything, it’s given me the inspiration & motivation to write again.

Or maybe, just maybe…it’s only Infatuation.