Audacious Aria

I am only just learning of the pain you’ve been through. I uncover new things every day. With each new memory, my rage burns deeper. You don’t believe me, but it wasn’t your fault. None of it was & none of it is. You are your only responsibility, fuck the rest of them. You have to protect yourself. You feel like you didn’t protect yourself before, I know, but we can change that by doing it now. It’s okay, you did what you thought would be the safest option, the option that would make it stop & go away quicker. But now it’s back, & it’s back with a vengeance. It’s not going to go away again honey. It can’t.

I know you may not believe this right now, quite like you didn’t then either, but you were not the one in control. He was the adult. He was the only one able to give consent. So stop blaming yourself. Instead, see that he was the one who chose, he acted alone & he shattered the world around you. He thought he would get away with it. He honestly thought he could carry on his dream family lifestyle & take this secret to his grave. Well, an early grave it shall be, but a secret no longer.

The road that has led you here has been immeasurably difficult & it’s not about to get any easier. But you don’t just have the love & support of your man now, you have what you’ve never had before, & that’s your family. It’s not easy for you to accept I know, but in their own way, it is there for you.

What you are about to embark on is something not many women are able to do. But remember, this time last year you were doing very much the same thing. You made a decision & you carried it through, you left that abusive, narcissistic bastard & took on a whole new life. Don’t you see how strong you are? You were institutionalised in that place, mentally broken by that man, self injuring several times every day, on a stream of medication even. Now look at you, sat here in America, wearing the new clothes you bought for yourself yesterday, guilt free, with your hard earned money – sweetie, you are so free now. Did Bear so much as blink as you spoiled yourself for the first time in years? Only a couple of weeks ago did he buy you the most beautiful pendant – in all three years with that bastard, did he ever buy you anything?!

You are so lucky, so blessed right now. Finally you have your own slice of happiness. I know, I know, there’s a big black cloud hanging over it right now but, together we can help disperse it. Treat it like summer rain, I know you love that.

You have the strength, you have the courage. You have the want & the need to do this E. I think you should take the next step. You think you have been coping, you still believe you are. But you haven’t & you are not. You want to heal, you’re not sure what that means or how to do it, but you want to. I want to. In many ways you are a survivor, but you are still hurting, you are not free yet, you are still in that dark place. I don’t want to keep you there any longer, I’ve always been afraid of the dark.

At 20 years old, you need to enter adulthood without this terrible burden. You need to leave it at the door of this new life with Bear, this home & soon, this marriage.

I feel the anger surging inside, I feel the urges to take it out on your body like you’ve always done. You don’t know how else to cope, I understand & if that is what gets you through the next months, then so be it. But listen, you’ve gone over 90 days without. How fucking strong is that? How proud are you? I know I’m proud, prouder than ever.

I want to protect you from going through all that again though. I want to set you free. It will get worse before it gets better, but I think we both know, the most foreseeable “worse” step is to bite the bullet, rip off the band aid & make that statement. You don’t know these people & they don’t know you. Tell them everything you know, everything you can think of & be done with it. I feel you shaking even as I propose this, but I also feel the fire burning inside.. You have been dancing around this decision for too long now. We’re on the edge of something huge here, something frightening yes, but what have you got to lose? What have you got to lose? Tell me.

You are so beautiful, so brave & you have some balls girl, I tell you.

Look at yourself here, look at the innocence & my god, those eyes! You’re beautiful. A child with so much love to give, only wishing to receive. Wipe your mind of all the names & the insults. Forget everything you believe yourself to be. You are none of those things. You are E. You are perfect in your own way. You are you. You deserve so much more than you’ve ever had thus far. Together we’re going to make things right, even if I go to my grave trying. I mean it. You are the most precious thing I have & I can’t, won’t, stand for this any longer.

I love you. Even in my worse times when it may feel like I hate you with all that makes me, I love you.

Now, give ‘em hell baby.