‘You Clipped My Wings Before I Learned to Fly…Unspoiled..Unspoken…I’ve Outgrown That Fucking Lullaby…’ \m/

Two words:

“Fuck” & “You”

16 months today since my last SI.

Christ every time I say that I feel like I’m at an AA meeting. But damn, 16 months feels like a lifetime. It still doesn’t mean I don’t get the urge every now & again but I’m coping a hell of a lot better than I was. Helps I’m still on a high from this weeks partying.. I’m taking today off though, I’m fucking knackered & I suspect my liver might need a bit of a rest…

A few months ago you might remember I wrote my family an open letter concerning the past year, the abuse, the police, & the fact everyone has just brushed this under the rug, again. I could scrape through past posts & link it here but I’m having enough trouble writing right now without any more frustrations. Anyway, I chose not to post it till I’m stepping on the plane back to America, mainly because it will be addressed to my abuser & I’d rather be 4,000+ miles away when that happens.

Anyway, I met my mum for a few drinks yesterday & we started talking about it.

Why she didn’t tell me this before I have no idea, but apparently back in March when it was nearing that bastards daughters 13th birthday, another uncle of mine – his brother, we’ll call him “P” – emailed him to say he was sending her a card with some money in it. The reply came across as a real strop…

he went on about how his daughter couldn’t understand & that she had said if she “got any presents she’d be sending them back”.

He asked why no-one had warned him about the police & how everyone knew at his fathers funeral that he was a rapist.

P laid it out for him. Telling him yeah, we all knew but we couldn’t say anything because you were under investigation. We didn’t want to say anything. We didn’t want to warn you, we wanted justice because you did this.

It felt fucking great to know that someone had actually stood for me. Even more that that someone was blood. Especially on my mothers side because I don’t have contact with any of them. I mean, I haven’t seen P since I was 13 – the night it all started with my abuser in fact. P even collaborated on my statement with me, about how leering he was toward me that night. Tell me, who asks a 13 year old what sort of man she likes?!

Anyway, last night I told my story to another friend.. I knew he would be but needless to say, he reacted as well as I could have wished for…

I’m getting good at this story telling crap, ha! I’ve only told a couple of people about what happened to me for real – & by that I mean…without hiding behind a computer screen. Everybody has different reactions. My ex made it all about himself, another friend tried to “save me” & another one walked away altogether. Ah, people can really suck.

I’m not sure the past year has really sunk in. It’s first time ever I’m feeling angry about it.. Funnily enough though I’m more angry at the police & their false hopes right now, than my actual abuser. That will change I guess, but I just feel so angry that I went through all that shit, I relived every fucking detail & got nothing back. Nothing. Not even an offer of counselling?! Just a “Yeah, urm,  he denied it. Carry on”. He’s a fucking salesman, of course he conducted himself well in the interview!

Anyway, I think I’ve expressed my anger enough in this post. Next one will be brighter, I promise

I’m going to make this short & sweet, just for today.

Below the cut is an open letter to my family regarding the abuse by my uncle.

I haven’t sent it yet but I am planning on doing so in the coming week. I’m going to copy at least a dozen family members on this, including my abuser & his wife.

I would really appreciate any honest thoughts & feedback..

Thank you.

CC: …

I mean, really? A* went to the police because he’s fearful of my father? Because he received one scary little email? That’s rich. – What, did you really think it would all be peaches and cream?

Tell you what – Report this;

I am the victim here. I was the one who was abused, sexually & mentally from the age of thirteen until I left the country at sixteen. I go to the police & get nothing. Yet my rapist gets some sort of protection? Nice.

However, the buck doesn’t just stop at the police & this is why I’m writing an open letter to you all.

I believe every single one of you need to know what a profound impact A* has had on my life. I need you all to hear my voice & understand that this did happen & it is true. I feel like this has been swept under the rug, & in turn I feel that no-one will stand for me. Least up to now, no-one has. I do give thanks to the few who have given me some support, but generally, I do feel like I am alone here.

Back on August 6th 2008 I made my statement against him in America after family urged me forward months after they found out in November 2007. Since then I have faced a grueling battle with police for some sort of justice & closure, yet I have found neither. I have done everything I can, but Scottish law requires I have a witness or some sort of corroboration.

That’s how close it was, A*.
If we were in America you would have been charged & sentenced to a cold prison cell by now. The fact you have walked away legally scott-free is not because I am a liar or that I didn’t give enough evidence. It is purely because of how Scottish law stands.
However, I do believe that I am not the only victim here. Someone like you doesn’t just stop with one child. I know you better than that. And I can only hope someone else can nail your ass to the cross before your days are done.

I have no doubt there has been a lot of whispering, gossip & speculation. I notice a few people cannot even look me in the eye anymore. This is why I am writing this letter.
I did my part by making my statement & I’m doing it again by addressing the family.

It wasn’t until the day I found myself sitting across the table from the Detective that I finally woke up & realized exactly what he had done to me. All these years I had kept his words in mind. I believed it was my own fault & had managed to convince myself that nothing was actually wrong, almost to the point that nothing had even happened. But it was wrong & it most certainly did happen.
What he did has many titles but to name a few it was molestation, rape & incest. And it destroyed my life.

Apparently, if I told anyone he would “Lose his wife, children & business”.

Well, what about what I lost?!

A* took away my innocence, my childhood, my trust & my confidence. He took me away from my family, my friends & even my education. A* shattered my entire world. Everything that was ever good in my life, he warped if not obliterated.

As a result I am not the woman I should be today.
For years I’ve been walking around with this empty void inside of me, dealing with the intense problems that come with being molested & raped by not just anyone, but a trusted family member who lured me & everyone else into a false sense of security by, heaven forbid, showing an interest in me for the first time ever in my life. Little did I know it was purely because I had hit puberty. This was not an uncle looking to have a relationship with his niece, this was a predator looking for a victim.

Whether people really believe me or not, it doesn’t particularly matter. Because I know that if this haunts me, it sure as hell haunts him. Sometimes I wonder if he really did think I wouldn’t grow up & find the courage to tell anyone. I suppose it’s just a pity, that it took the best part of 8 years of my life to do so.

Little by little, I am trying to heal. But just as his nightmare over me didn’t occur over a day or two, neither will this. With the support of my immediate family & my American family, I will get there eventually. But thanks to him, I was never be completely free.

Finally, I want to urge those of you with children to be aware. Listen even to the whispers in the back of your mind. Trust your instincts, because on something like this, they will always be correct.
Don’t be naïve. A* was supposed to be my God Father, for Christ’s sake.
All the signs were there, but nobody was looking. I mean this wasn’t just one or two times, this was over a period of three years. So please, pay attention & don’t let your child navigate something like this alone.

Police aside, only A* & I know the truth of what went on all those years ago in his car, his work van, his old rental flat, my mothers house, my fathers house, his old house, his make-shift office in the old garage, & the now home he, his wife & children live in now.
Yes, interesting I know. Baby-sitting wasn’t the only excuse he came up with I’m afraid Diane.

Ultimately, A* will have to live with this for the rest of his life. Just like I do, as well as everyone else his evil has touched. But luckily for me, I start a fresh in America. A country he will never be allowed to enter, whether he wants to or not, I don’t care, he will never be allowed in.
The Scottish police force might be of little use, but  the American’s don’t play. They protect me just like they do their own citizens, one of which I will soon be. And from that day onward, just like the day I broke my silence, he will lose all control over me & my life.

Until then & ever there after, the wagons need to be circled & together this family needs to do what’s right. We have never been close I know, & maybe none of you even feel like you owe me anything. But I was thirteen, I was a child & well, if family means anything to you, I guess you have to listen to your own conscience on this don’t you.

Unlike A*, I cannot force anyone to do or say anything. I do not want to see anyone do anything illegal, simply because it is him & only him who needs to be punished.

I cannot force you to cut him out of your life, but surely, what he has done should be enough for him to receive some sort of repercussion. Some form of punishment. There are plenty of legal routes open to us. But I can assure you, sitting in silence & avoiding the issue is not one of them.

The police are no longer behind us, there is no legal punishment available.
As mothers, fathers, sisters & brothers, aunties & uncles, nieces, nephews & cousins, we cannot let him away with this. The only thing left is the family fall-out.
This is it.

Faithfully,

This is the last straw.

The camels back is broken, in fact, fuck the camel – my back is broken.

I have had enough. I have put up with this bullshit all my life. This is it.

Fuck a wedding, this is no longer about our wedding. This is about my Visa & getting me back to America & as far away from these people as possible. And when that day comes, I will personally cut them out of my life, forever.

Make all the snide comments you like, look at me in all the wrong ways, I don’t care. But take away my one route of communication & support from my future husband? I don’t think so mother fucker.

That is exactly what my bastard of a step-”father” did tonight. And like always, my mother chose him over me. Always has done, always will do.

What sort of a man…

…bullies a 21 year old woman? Especially one who’s been through what I have? I say this like I’m surprised but, what sort of man is unable to stand up & talk, man to man when there is a problem?

He unplugged the phone & wouldn’t speak to Bear on my cell. Nor would my mother, surprise surprise. So I pushed Speaker, & Bear let rip. And I mean, let fucking rip.

All he could give back was “I’m missing my T.V program” whilst raising his middle finger.

A coward indeed.

After figuring I’d wasted enough International minutes on him, I retreated to my room where through the anger & tears I tried to explain to Bear what had happened, to no avail. I can barely process any of it.

For a second, my brain switched off & I lost control. Crying down the phone to Bear that I couldn’t cope with this anymore & that I was going to end up cutting myself again, after all this time. I cannot do this anymore. But just like that, he brought me back to him, telling me that they may have the power to make me cry & make me hurt inside, but they do not have the power to screw my Visa.

Not cutting is so important right now because of the full medical I have to get before my Interview. They will see my Doctors notes, they will see my old scars & they will ask questions. I need truth & more so, time on my side. I need to be able to tell them it’s been over a year, which it has, but I need to keep it that way.

They will refuse me entry if I have recent injuries.

They will refuse me entry if I have recent injuries.

They will refuse me my homecoming if I have recent injuries.

I cannot do this, I cannot fuck this.

Haven’t I been through enough? Haven’t I? Didn’t I grow up only seeing my father once a week if not less? Did I not live with a mentally unstable mother? Was I not bullied all the way from Nursery School till I finally walked the fuck out of High School? Am I not the victim of child sex abuse? Was I not kicked out of my own home at 16? Did I not spend three years of my life with a narcissistic, abusive boyfriend? And yet now, when I finally find my own slice of happiness.. everyone is turning on me, everyone is pushing down & trampling all over me.

I don’t know where to go from here. I can promise you though, once I have my Visa in hand – it’s on like Donkey Kong.

I am done with these people. I am done with all of it. Done.

I figure I could go to my dads & live out the next few months I have left there. There’s issues with that as well though. For a start they have no shower right now & for the foreseeable future. Plus, there’s no Wifi. That could be sorted though, if I can catch my dad in a good mood, or if like I’m preparing for just now, I get mobile wifi.

However, there will be big issues at my dad’s too I’m sure. But I cannot deal with that bastard & this weak, sorry excuse for a mother, any more.

I’m at a loss at which move to take next. As long as it doesn’t involve a blade, I think I’ll be safe, at least for my Visa. Right now though, I am in a very bad place both physically & mentally.

If it weren’t for Bear, I’d either still be in an abusive relationship or I’d be dead. Technically, I am still surrounded by abuse & it needs to end. I need to think of myself & what’s best for me. Fuck everyone else, obviously they don’t give a rats ass about me. Bear & I are on our own here.

I am glad I put him on speaker phone, even if it was shocking to hear. They need a good verbal ass fucking as far as I’m concerned.

However, I know he has my back, but we have an ocean in-between us. Here, on Scottish soil, I have no-one. Now & again I have my father, but frankly, he is very touch & go. I cannot rely on him to be there to fight for me like I can Bear.

I just want to be gone. I want to be home. I want all this bullshit behind me. Yet, I want to remember how these people made me feel so I can be sure when I burn my bridges. Time heals & makes us conveniently forget the details. Our minds can play tricks on us. But this, this I need to remember.

I have forgiven far too many times. I have said I’m sorry when no-one else will. None of these people, nobody in my family nor step-family, no-one who has ever done me wrong has ever said “I’m sorry”. It’s always me. Well, that’s no more. Never again will I apologize to someone who doesn’t deserve so much as to be in the same City as me.

There is only so many times one can go to the well – & this one I’m afraid, is empty. I have given all I’m willing to give.

Tonight I make the choice to say “Fuck you“. And soon, real soon, I’ll be showing you exactly what that means.

You are not my people. You are mentally unstable, vindictive, narcissistic, ignorant & evil people. From the start my gut-instinct told me things that nowadays I listen to & run with. Unfortunately I was only a ten year old girl & didn’t have anywhere to run to. However, I have hated you from the very beginning & that hatred has only grown deeper as time & experience has gone by.

I always have but I will say it again; I hate you more than the man who stole my innocence.You have done far more wrong to me mentally that he ever did.

Brian, I despise you & when the day comes, I will shit on your grave.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how being abused has affected me. More & more the pieces start coming together & I almost have the whole path of self destruction paved out before me.

For example, some days I find myself looking at my acoustic guitar sat in the corner of the room & wishing I could just pick it up & play, like really play you know, with my heart. However, I haven’t been able to pick up a guitar & play it since I was about 15. Fact is that I could play anything I wanted if I could just feel comfortable enough to let the past go & stop wasting yet another talent…

But thinking back to the night I sat around the dinner table with my abuser, his wife & children, playing happy families, when I was asked how school was.

Now, safe to say, school was bad. It had been even before that bastard even knew me but at that time I had dropped more than a few classes – which in hindsight was of course an obvious, tell tale sign & affect of the abuse.. but alas, no-one thought to question my decisions.

Anyway, one of the classes I dropped was Music, & in saying this my “uncle” informs me that I;

“Cannot do that! You are your music! Music defines* you!”

And ever since then, my guitar & musical talent has been gathering dust…

Low self esteem goes without saying, the loss of trust in pretty much everyone too. I read in a book somewhere that… well hold on I think I might actually be able to find the quote:

“If the survivor’s abuse took place in her family, relationships with her family are likely to be strained. The essential mistrust, silence & abuse of power that existed in her family are probably still there. The abuse may still be a secret & the abuser may still be at it: ruining the lives of the next generation. This means, quite literally, that your children may be at risk.

The survivor is unlikely to get support from her family in dealing with the abuse that took place within the family. She may be the family scapegoat, rejected or blamed for the problems in the family. This may leave her feeling crazy, depressed, or invalidated when she has contact with her family.”

This literally hit the freakin’ nail on the head for me. Even the fact that the abuse may still be a secret & still continuing. Because lets face it, this is the family secret. No-one will talk about it, no-one will face him, no-one is banging his door down like they should & the icing on the cake is that most cannot even bare to look at me. I mean, for crying out loud my own “Favourite Aunt” doesn’t even want to spend time alone with me!And now, my “uncle” may not still be physcially abusing me – but my control freak step-father & his narrcissism? That sure as hell takes it’s toll too, even if most of it is directed at my mother – I see this & it’s effects aren’t pretty.

Since we’re on the subject… I think that we can now officially say the case is closed. Well, apparently it’s an ongoing case but lets face it, there is nothing more that will arise or come of it. The police say the case is “now complete” after  taking statements from my mother & her mother also.. you’d think they’d have done all this before they questioned him no?

I think my mother was quite sarcastic with them, but didn’t give as much as they deserve. They did ask how I was doing, where she asked them how the hell they thought I was?! One of them replied “get her to phone me”. Again, it’s all orders you know? Never mind “well, I’m sorry to hear she’s struggling, why don’t you ask her if she would like to give me a call & maybe I can help”. But that would be asking far too much, wouldn’t it.

Quite like my music, that’s all gone to waste too.

And finally, regarding my Visa. I’m still here for as long as I can see. It’s currently “processing & pending.”. We won’t hear anything new for perhaps another 3 months.. Sigh. I just want to go home.

*And just so you know, music does not fucking define me you pig fuck.

it’s because I think you’re beautiful.

Have you ever done that? Try as you might, you just can’t stop staring? Even when they keep catching your eye like “What the hell are you staring at?!” … Yeah…

I mean, she was just so fucking pretty, but she had this horrible Chav boyfriend &, wait for it, a baby. Total teenage mom, braces & all.. I wondered her story I guess & perhaps I did feel a little sorry for her.. What could have been & all – hell that could have been me!

Anyhoo,

So I’m on my fifth day of silent treatment. Not with Bear no, but with my step-father. I have no idea what I’m supposed to have done, but needless to say, being ignored can be frustrating at best.

It started before the kicker but my hurdle came when my mother & I had a fight about, of all things, my suitcase. She takes after him in the control-freak stakes , what can I say. So we’re having a screaming match & it soon becomes apparent that it isn’t the case at all but everything with my abuser taking it’s toll.

So I cry a little, as much as my mind will let me (perhaps 20 seconds of wailing then I’m stone, stone, fucking cold). And we talk a bit until putting the kettle on as my step-father arrives him from work….

My mother obviously couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie & decided to bring up the fact I had been upset. Now , I can understand why she thought he would like to know, perhaps she even thought he could help… but alas, I wasn’t so lucky.

I’m not going to go over the whole conversation, if you can call it that. But to say he lost the plot would be an understatement.

He was a total Bastard.

Apparently, the whole police thing was my decision – we’ll just forget the phone calls to Bear asking him to convince me shall we. And that I should “stop blaming everyone else for my deal”.

“Blame yourself” - Exactly the words every victim of abuse needs to hear, right?

Long story short but we haven’t spoken since. Even with my mother crying, asking him to apologise to me & even trying to force a “group hug”… nothing. Like I told her, these things cannot be forced & what with me being a grown arsed woman, soon to be Wed… I will not forgive & forget like I may have done through-out my teenage years.

I’m sure he hates the fact he cannot refer to me as a teenager any more. This was quite evident when I decided to take, what I believed to be the adult route & tell him I wouldn’t be talking about this any more, standing up & leaving the room. But no apparently that warranted a “Well that’s childish!!” loudly after me.

So yes, I’ve been back a week & we’ve fallen out already. Actually, the only person who hasn’t fallen out with me, or vice-versa has been my wicked step-mother of all people! No, I can’t believe it either.

On a brighter note, I had a meeting with a great aunt of mine today, for the first time in like 15 years or something. She had a 21st Birthday present for me. Now this, this should astound!

She, her, of all people, of all my family.. someone who doesn’t know me, hardly ever saw me, never even had phone contact with me, no birthday cards, nothing, had a trust fund set up for me when I was born. Today was the day the funds were transferred.

I was ecstatic to say the least. I’ve never, ever had money, let alone two thousand pounds. – back in June that would have been $4,000 for the Americans reading. And for it to come from such an unlikely source. It almost doesn’t seem real to me right now!

I am slightly disappointed that it didn’t come from, say, my parents? But I’m certainly not going to knock it either. Thank god somebody out there thought about me – & to receive this gift now, amidst all this trouble & pain.. well, it’s magical.

And to end the day, what did I do? I got a new piercing. Not counting the ones I’ve since removed (3) I now have 5 pretty little accessories to show off.. I would present my Lower Navel to y’all now but I think I’ll spare the ones scoffing their tea.

I’m not sure Bear was too amused, but either way, if this is a round about way of dealing with my current situation, (which I know it is), I’ll take it, without discussion thank you.

Last but not least I’m hoping that today was the day my K-1 Visa Petition hit the desk of the High & Mighty! Fingers crossed I’ll hear from them soon & can really start moving toward returning home!!!

I’m angry because I wasn’t before.

I’m angry because I’m living in fear of him showing up on my doorstep or worse, creeping into my bedroom at night.

I’m angry because I can’t close my eyes at night without looking at the door or watching the window whilst listening for footsteps.

I’m angry because he is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.

I’m angry that I’m so paranoid about seeing him.

I’m angry enough to throw away 10 & a half months Self-Injury free, just to feel some sort of release & comfort in myself.

I’m angry because my mother is the one going for counselling, reading the survivor & self-help books.

I’m angry because before she told me, I saw the books she bought, yet could barely look at them.

I’m angry because I was promised Closure in all this & got nothing of the sort.

I’m angry because the only thing being done right now is a couple of nasty emails by Bear & my father.

I’m angry because no-one else is doing anything.

I’m angry because my step-family treats me completely different from my blood relations.

I’m angry because I hear the whispering but no-one is brave enough to talk to me, let alone visit me.

I’m angry because of the way people look at me now & no, it’s not my imagination.

I’m angry because of all the lucky people out there who don’t seem to have a care in the world, yet it had to happen to me…

I’m angry because of the path of self-destruction the abuse sent me down.

I’m angry because it’s been years & yet my own psyche won’t allow me to cry.

I’m angry because everyone told me I was being selfish & it turns out it was the other way around.

I’m angry because people saw the signs & even questioned the goings on, but didn’t ask me.

I’m angry because no-one has asked whether I’m okay or not.

I’m angry because I’m not okay.

I’m angry because my mother seems suprised that I am so angry & still treats me like I’m a child – yet she failed there too.

I’m angry because she is the one who is having a “nervous breakdown”. What gives her the right to be suicidal?

I’m angry because my family don’t understand, yet keep wondering why I didn’t tell them.

I’m angry because the hatred I feel toward my family seems to be getting worse.

I’m angry because they all told me I should be feeling guilty & pounded me with pressure because I can’t let him away with it.

I’m angry because I was fine before yet was forced to bring this all back to the forefront & for nothing.

I’m angry because my family have failed me.

I’m angry because it seems to be all about them.

I’m angry because not once have I been offered any kind of support.

I’m angry because they don’t see how I could have used this as a weapon against them, in a most spiteful way yet kept it all locked up.

I’m angry because my step-father just couldn’t help himself but go through my journal a year ago, bringing us to this place in time.

I’m angry because it’s like there’s a giant elephant in the room, constantly, yet no-one talks about it.

I’m angry because when it is talked about it turns into a screaming match.

I’m angry because this is the first time I’ve truly felt anger towards not only him, but everyone else too.

I’m angry because the police failed me & my family hugely yet it’s all in a days work for them.

I’m angry because I just don’t know what else to do.

I’m angry.

How ironic that my mother is the one with the self help books on “surviving childhood sexual abuse“. My mother with the free leaflets & phone numbers. And alas, my mother who is receiving counselling from the Rape Crisis Center. I kid you not.

What ever happened to “Aria seems to have been reading a bit too many Dave Pelzer books” hmm?

And have I been given even an ounce of support in that way? Have I fuck. Why was none of this offered to me I wonder? Not saying I’m particularly keen on taking anyone up on the offer but, for real, was it just assumed that I was fine? Who was it that this happened to exactly?

It’s not about you, God damn it!

There’s been a few revelations, some old & some new, since I came back.

My mum has had a nervous breakdown & my father is still so harsh with words. My father I can deal with, my mother however.. well she told me a few things I found quite disturbing. It makes me even more angry at the police & the way they set her expectations so high. She was & I’ve no doubt still is, suicidal. Selfish no-doubt but it is what it is. I can only hope she considers the advice I gave her about taking the medication the doctor prescribed & not coming off them without warning (again).

I haven’t heard much about my abuser, he has pretty much kept himself away from everyone.. The only thing I’ve heard of his wife was about her screaming down the phone to her brother-in-law that Social Services had taken her daughter away for a chat. As for me, well she screamed about “always being there when she was baby-sitting“.

I’m sure she will think back to the times she was working night-shift & the times that bastard “nipped back to the house to check on the kids” – the “kids” being all three of us, evidently.

So no, we’re no further forward. There has been no closure – secretly I’m feeling a big bit “well I told you so” about this.. but in the long run I know that won’t help me.

Anyway, on a lighter note I guess I could wish y’all a Happy Valentines? I only wish I could be with my Bear

The family has gone completely radio silent. It’s unreal. Actually it’s pretty amusing, especially after I actually spoke to the detective & found out the scope first hand.

Re this post, my step-dad is talking out of his ass. But we knew that anyway. Yet, they just cannot accept that this is it. What, did they really think it would be as easy as arresting him, carting him off to prison & they’d never have to deal with him again?

Honestly I’m dying to know what people are thinking & saying. After all the bullshit they put on me, the guilt trips & the “think of the children!”, “you must save the other victims!” … it is more than just a relief to know I did everything I could, but it is because of Scottish law, that he walks free, not me.

I wonder what life is like for him right now. But like I said, the family has literally gone AWOL, so I don’t even know what life is like for them let alone him.

I’ve had a few people try to bring me on the “well it’s done now so lets forget about it” band-wagon. Funnily enough, it’s just not that easy. One does not forget about things like this. Why is that always the answer when anyone who really thinks about it would know that was merely a Standard Reply. Frankly, I’d rather have no reply than a standard reply. Give me something real. Please.

I mean, they forced me to bring this all back up from the depths,  like a bad piece of fish brings up your entire insides. Only I wish it had been like food-poisoning, since once it’s all been regurgitated you can move along to the next meal. But alas, dragging past sexual abuse out in public, telling & re-telling your story to handfuls of different people, all of which look at you & respond differently, is no easy feat. Nor, once they have decided that’s enough & it’s over, does it automatically go away…

I have found no closure when it comes to my mental anguish & pain. I found perhaps 30 seconds of euphoria in learning he had finally been taken in, but the rug was pulled very quickly from under me. They pretty much cut my legs off whilst I was running. But alas, nothing I can do – thank Christ. No-one can blame me.

All in all, I have not dealt with it. I’ve no dealt with it at all. I can talk about some of it, I can revel in him being called out on it & shitting himself because of it. But I haven’t dealt with any of what he did to me, & the consequences of that – The path of destruction he set me on. The past year of police has been but a blur. And you know, not one person has offered me any kind of mental support. Not even the police. Sure, the last DC I spoke to asked me how I was coping but he didn’t offer me any form of counselling. Besides, that alone was the closest anyone has come to focusing on me, since finding out.

Oh but now that I’ve made my statement & the police have done their part, it won’t come back to haunt me now, will it? After everyone using that excuse like they knew what the hell they were talking about, it better fucking not. But what am I saying, of course it will. Because I am not dealing with it. I don’t know how to & finally, I haven’t been given the chance.

Every now & again, like maybe twice a month, I might have a flash of rage over the abuse. But like my cigarette, I suck it up then stamp it out. Done & onto the next one.

I still can’t cry.

So, where do I go from here I wonder. I guess I just bury it all over again & carry on like life is wonderful..

9 months since my last self injury? No fucking way

And you know, I hardly even think about it at all. It’s still there but it’s not..there. It doesn’t haunt me like it used to, that’s all I know.

Now that the wild goose chase is finished we can safely say the police do not set expectations well, at all. And still, they carry on leading my mother & step-father up the garden path.

Now I banked on them getting intouch with the police after reading the email I forwarded them from the DC. You know, quoting the law & pretty much saying “case closed”?

..

Apparently the police are now going to visit them once again and they’re going to talk to his mother.

Now, I can tell you right now, even if she came out with the words “he raped me too!” It still wouldn’t get his mangy assed charged. The law is & will stay the same no matter what they say. As long as it isn’t witness to my abuse, the end of the line is nigh. Anyway, how long do we expect this to take anyway? I mean it only took them six months to visit him!!

That aside, my step-father tells me it’s “all going in the right direction”. What the hell is he talking about? It’s over.

I replied with something along the lines of “but the police have said there’s nothing more they can do, from a legal stand-point. But evidently they have led you to believe there is more?”

But like always, all I got back was a defensive riddle of a statement.