I’m going to make this short & sweet, just for today.

Below the cut is an open letter to my family regarding the abuse by my uncle.

I haven’t sent it yet but I am planning on doing so in the coming week. I’m going to copy at least a dozen family members on this, including my abuser & his wife.

I would really appreciate any honest thoughts & feedback..

Thank you.

CC: …

I mean, really? A* went to the police because he’s fearful of my father? Because he received one scary little email? That’s rich. – What, did you really think it would all be peaches and cream?

Tell you what – Report this;

I am the victim here. I was the one who was abused, sexually & mentally from the age of thirteen until I left the country at sixteen. I go to the police & get nothing. Yet my rapist gets some sort of protection? Nice.

However, the buck doesn’t just stop at the police & this is why I’m writing an open letter to you all.

I believe every single one of you need to know what a profound impact A* has had on my life. I need you all to hear my voice & understand that this did happen & it is true. I feel like this has been swept under the rug, & in turn I feel that no-one will stand for me. Least up to now, no-one has. I do give thanks to the few who have given me some support, but generally, I do feel like I am alone here.

Back on August 6th 2008 I made my statement against him in America after family urged me forward months after they found out in November 2007. Since then I have faced a grueling battle with police for some sort of justice & closure, yet I have found neither. I have done everything I can, but Scottish law requires I have a witness or some sort of corroboration.

That’s how close it was, A*.
If we were in America you would have been charged & sentenced to a cold prison cell by now. The fact you have walked away legally scott-free is not because I am a liar or that I didn’t give enough evidence. It is purely because of how Scottish law stands.
However, I do believe that I am not the only victim here. Someone like you doesn’t just stop with one child. I know you better than that. And I can only hope someone else can nail your ass to the cross before your days are done.

I have no doubt there has been a lot of whispering, gossip & speculation. I notice a few people cannot even look me in the eye anymore. This is why I am writing this letter.
I did my part by making my statement & I’m doing it again by addressing the family.

It wasn’t until the day I found myself sitting across the table from the Detective that I finally woke up & realized exactly what he had done to me. All these years I had kept his words in mind. I believed it was my own fault & had managed to convince myself that nothing was actually wrong, almost to the point that nothing had even happened. But it was wrong & it most certainly did happen.
What he did has many titles but to name a few it was molestation, rape & incest. And it destroyed my life.

Apparently, if I told anyone he would “Lose his wife, children & business”.

Well, what about what I lost?!

A* took away my innocence, my childhood, my trust & my confidence. He took me away from my family, my friends & even my education. A* shattered my entire world. Everything that was ever good in my life, he warped if not obliterated.

As a result I am not the woman I should be today.
For years I’ve been walking around with this empty void inside of me, dealing with the intense problems that come with being molested & raped by not just anyone, but a trusted family member who lured me & everyone else into a false sense of security by, heaven forbid, showing an interest in me for the first time ever in my life. Little did I know it was purely because I had hit puberty. This was not an uncle looking to have a relationship with his niece, this was a predator looking for a victim.

Whether people really believe me or not, it doesn’t particularly matter. Because I know that if this haunts me, it sure as hell haunts him. Sometimes I wonder if he really did think I wouldn’t grow up & find the courage to tell anyone. I suppose it’s just a pity, that it took the best part of 8 years of my life to do so.

Little by little, I am trying to heal. But just as his nightmare over me didn’t occur over a day or two, neither will this. With the support of my immediate family & my American family, I will get there eventually. But thanks to him, I was never be completely free.

Finally, I want to urge those of you with children to be aware. Listen even to the whispers in the back of your mind. Trust your instincts, because on something like this, they will always be correct.
Don’t be naïve. A* was supposed to be my God Father, for Christ’s sake.
All the signs were there, but nobody was looking. I mean this wasn’t just one or two times, this was over a period of three years. So please, pay attention & don’t let your child navigate something like this alone.

Police aside, only A* & I know the truth of what went on all those years ago in his car, his work van, his old rental flat, my mothers house, my fathers house, his old house, his make-shift office in the old garage, & the now home he, his wife & children live in now.
Yes, interesting I know. Baby-sitting wasn’t the only excuse he came up with I’m afraid Diane.

Ultimately, A* will have to live with this for the rest of his life. Just like I do, as well as everyone else his evil has touched. But luckily for me, I start a fresh in America. A country he will never be allowed to enter, whether he wants to or not, I don’t care, he will never be allowed in.
The Scottish police force might be of little use, but  the American’s don’t play. They protect me just like they do their own citizens, one of which I will soon be. And from that day onward, just like the day I broke my silence, he will lose all control over me & my life.

Until then & ever there after, the wagons need to be circled & together this family needs to do what’s right. We have never been close I know, & maybe none of you even feel like you owe me anything. But I was thirteen, I was a child & well, if family means anything to you, I guess you have to listen to your own conscience on this don’t you.

Unlike A*, I cannot force anyone to do or say anything. I do not want to see anyone do anything illegal, simply because it is him & only him who needs to be punished.

I cannot force you to cut him out of your life, but surely, what he has done should be enough for him to receive some sort of repercussion. Some form of punishment. There are plenty of legal routes open to us. But I can assure you, sitting in silence & avoiding the issue is not one of them.

The police are no longer behind us, there is no legal punishment available.
As mothers, fathers, sisters & brothers, aunties & uncles, nieces, nephews & cousins, we cannot let him away with this. The only thing left is the family fall-out.
This is it.

Faithfully,

The family has gone completely radio silent. It’s unreal. Actually it’s pretty amusing, especially after I actually spoke to the detective & found out the scope first hand.

Re this post, my step-dad is talking out of his ass. But we knew that anyway. Yet, they just cannot accept that this is it. What, did they really think it would be as easy as arresting him, carting him off to prison & they’d never have to deal with him again?

Honestly I’m dying to know what people are thinking & saying. After all the bullshit they put on me, the guilt trips & the “think of the children!”, “you must save the other victims!” … it is more than just a relief to know I did everything I could, but it is because of Scottish law, that he walks free, not me.

I wonder what life is like for him right now. But like I said, the family has literally gone AWOL, so I don’t even know what life is like for them let alone him.

I’ve had a few people try to bring me on the “well it’s done now so lets forget about it” band-wagon. Funnily enough, it’s just not that easy. One does not forget about things like this. Why is that always the answer when anyone who really thinks about it would know that was merely a Standard Reply. Frankly, I’d rather have no reply than a standard reply. Give me something real. Please.

I mean, they forced me to bring this all back up from the depths,  like a bad piece of fish brings up your entire insides. Only I wish it had been like food-poisoning, since once it’s all been regurgitated you can move along to the next meal. But alas, dragging past sexual abuse out in public, telling & re-telling your story to handfuls of different people, all of which look at you & respond differently, is no easy feat. Nor, once they have decided that’s enough & it’s over, does it automatically go away…

I have found no closure when it comes to my mental anguish & pain. I found perhaps 30 seconds of euphoria in learning he had finally been taken in, but the rug was pulled very quickly from under me. They pretty much cut my legs off whilst I was running. But alas, nothing I can do – thank Christ. No-one can blame me.

All in all, I have not dealt with it. I’ve no dealt with it at all. I can talk about some of it, I can revel in him being called out on it & shitting himself because of it. But I haven’t dealt with any of what he did to me, & the consequences of that – The path of destruction he set me on. The past year of police has been but a blur. And you know, not one person has offered me any kind of mental support. Not even the police. Sure, the last DC I spoke to asked me how I was coping but he didn’t offer me any form of counselling. Besides, that alone was the closest anyone has come to focusing on me, since finding out.

Oh but now that I’ve made my statement & the police have done their part, it won’t come back to haunt me now, will it? After everyone using that excuse like they knew what the hell they were talking about, it better fucking not. But what am I saying, of course it will. Because I am not dealing with it. I don’t know how to & finally, I haven’t been given the chance.

Every now & again, like maybe twice a month, I might have a flash of rage over the abuse. But like my cigarette, I suck it up then stamp it out. Done & onto the next one.

I still can’t cry.

So, where do I go from here I wonder. I guess I just bury it all over again & carry on like life is wonderful..

9 months since my last self injury? No fucking way

And you know, I hardly even think about it at all. It’s still there but it’s not..there. It doesn’t haunt me like it used to, that’s all I know.

Now that the wild goose chase is finished we can safely say the police do not set expectations well, at all. And still, they carry on leading my mother & step-father up the garden path.

Now I banked on them getting intouch with the police after reading the email I forwarded them from the DC. You know, quoting the law & pretty much saying “case closed”?

..

Apparently the police are now going to visit them once again and they’re going to talk to his mother.

Now, I can tell you right now, even if she came out with the words “he raped me too!” It still wouldn’t get his mangy assed charged. The law is & will stay the same no matter what they say. As long as it isn’t witness to my abuse, the end of the line is nigh. Anyway, how long do we expect this to take anyway? I mean it only took them six months to visit him!!

That aside, my step-father tells me it’s “all going in the right direction”. What the hell is he talking about? It’s over.

I replied with something along the lines of “but the police have said there’s nothing more they can do, from a legal stand-point. But evidently they have led you to believe there is more?”

But like always, all I got back was a defensive riddle of a statement.

6 weeks after they said they would, the police finally took my abuser in for questioning.

I don’t have a lot to say for myself right now other than , what a weight off!

The outcome?…

He vehemently denied everything.

But of course he did!

He was interviewed for a good few hours, as was his daughter by social services, but there was nothing else they could do without a confession. We all knew it was my word against his. There’s no evidence. So this is it, I’m afraid.

Scottish law is as follows:

At Common Law, the evidence of a single witness, however credible, is not sufficient to prove a charge against an accused person, or to establish any critical and material fact, such as the identification of the accused. There must be corroboration of the evidence of that witness, either by the testimony of another witness or by evidence of facts and circumstances. In the absence of rebutting evidence, facts which are not crucial and material may be established by the evidence of one witness. (Lockwood v. Walker, 47 S.L.R. 155; Harrison v. Mackenzie, 60 S.L.R. 561; Strathern v. Lambie, 1934 S.L.T. 435; and Morton v. H.M.A., 1938 S.L.T. 27).

I am unsure as to whether my family listened to anything I said on this front, so I’m pretty sure there will be some really disappointed faces. I however am satisfied thus far knowing he has been called out & that even though he won’t be going to prison, he has not got away with it. He can deny it till he’s blue in the face but the two of us, one on one… Well, he knows the truth.

I don’t have very much detail about what happened at all but I like that they waited until about 7 o’clock at night – let him have dinner, settle in.. They showed up earlier but I guess he was out enjoying the school holidays with his kids. What matters to me is that he was detained in his house, in front of his wife & children, then taken to the station for a couple of hours. He must have shit himself.

Now that he has, as some might put it, walked free, I wonder now what the family fallout will be.

His mother was told this morning & since the police have finally done what they were suppose to, no-one has to worry about him getting wind of it & losing the element of surprise. – Fat lot of good that did I must say.

Anyway, I’ll have to come back to this later, my mind is running far too wild to even concentrate on the keys & what I’m trying to write.

So guess what? Nothing changes.

At least, we haven’t heard of any changes.

I’ve been trying to ring my mother all fucking day long but they won’t answer the goddamn phone. You see, for some reason they are scared of their own phone.

Actually there’s some decent reasons why but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating when you have to go through 2 minutes worth of prompts even before you punch in their long arsed number just to be charged to connect to their answer machine whilst they are checking who it was that phoned the first time. .(& no, they don’t have Caller ID).. & they want me to ring twice, hang up & call again?! Fuck that.

Now back to the fear.

a) They have debt

b) My “uncle” actually had the audacity to phone them twice a few months back when my mothers dad died.

Which brings me to:

My full fucking name being on a public website without my authorization!!!

Every now & again I will Google search my abusers name, with the hopes of perhaps coming across something more interesting than his damn business. Today however, I came across something quite different….

Now I’m sure we all kinda have a small idea of how shit my mothers dad was to me – hence why I refuse to call him my grandfather.

But, but, but, but!!

News Flash!! – Apparently I liked him enough to light a candle for him on his online obituary page. How tasteful I know.

Of course it was my mothers doing, don’t be silly.

One side of me is screaming how fucking dare she light a candle in my name for that fucking bastard but the other side is more like… my full fucking name?!!

Looking at the amount of hits that page has had, surely my “uncle” has been one of them &, without a doubt, he now knows my middle name. Something I did not want him knowing in case he were to try looking for me online or elsewhere.

Not only is it right there but it’s the first fucking hit that comes up with my name! It’s more than triggering to see my name next to his – my mothers father & my abuser share the same name – original I know but they were both bastards so evidently the glove was snug.

Needless to say I shot the website an email without hesitation. I sure as hell hope to see my name off of there asap!

I was lying in bed this morning, 5am to be precise & was stupid enough to allow myself to so much as wonder if he had been arrested yet, (5am here would make it 10am in Scotland), but I think we can be sure there has been no movement. I tell myself my mother would have told me already but then again, looking back on what I’ve just written….

Yeah, even that sounds a bit too much like Hope again.