It’s amazing how one person can change your life…How a smile from you can erase everything bad… How life seems less scary when you’re holding my hand…

“I’m the one who has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.”

— Jimi Hendrix

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” – Nelson Mandela

This quote rings so true that I couldn’t resist posting it here. Like every time I return to Scotland & to my parents I see just how far I’ve come & how much I’ve changed – for the better.

I was talking to an old friend today who commented on “how shocked!” she was at how much I had changed from how she remembered me in High School. I know it’s true & I quite liked that she had the balls to tell me – because I know I’ve changed – I’m a completely different person, in ways no-one really knows (& it’s not merely because I “grew up”..). Anyway, I know people are kinda shocked at how different I am but only a few have said “Shit, girl.. you changed!”. – Thankfully it’s been for the better, ha ha!

Anyway, it’s no wonder I get such itchy feet coming back to a place that never changes..On saying that, I’m being kept pretty well amused here in this new home with my new beau.

I’m still getting used to the idea that I won’t ever return to Bear.. just as he’s letting the notion fact settle into his own brain as well. Just because I’m 4,000 miles away doesn’t necessarily make it a breeze for me either. Contrary to his belief, none of this has been easy. Nor am I alone the one to blame for the collapse of our relationship. Also, if anyone’s pushed me toward the decisions I’ve made – it was him, no-one else. I’ll be fair & say that I could only be pushed so far though – the rest of the road I walked myself.

So I didn’t mean for this post to really go anywhere, let alone into a slight vent there.. but I should know by now that I just can’t do one liners.. & besides, you gotta go with what you’re inspired by. Have a good night everyone.

I have this incredible urge to walk into the kitchen, right up to the dinning table, look each of them in the face – my dad, his wife & their lodger…& proceed to ram my fingers down my throat & vomit all over their Indian takeaway….

It’s been an eventful week. Last Saturday my dad decided it would be a good idea to scream bloody murder at me, threaten me & chase me out the house. I had my first anxiety attack in over 2 years – what an accomplishment for a father right?

I can’t go into the whys, hows & details of what happened, it runs too deep & I’m not ready to relive what was a fucking frightening half hour. For the first time in my life, I felt the wrath of my father – One might have hoped he’d have had good reason, but it turns out he didn’t. He should be ashamed of the way he spoke to me that night, I know I sure as hell am. As for that bitch of a wife of his, she can go fucking die in a fire.

“You are making everyone miserable here”. She tells me.

That’s rich coming from a woman who’s husband is in the process of leaving her. Why don’t you fuck off back to China you
fucking whore – I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again – I’m glad she’s fucking barren.

See, I’ve refrained from writing at the moment because I knew it would only come out like this.. a load of hatred & profanity.. but frankly, that’s all I’m feeling right now. I am SO angry. I’m am so full of rage.

Just another kick in the teeth tonight as they went & ordered an Indian meal & didn’t ask me to join them, knowing full well I was here in my room. For the past half hour I’ve been going through the motions – ah, & there we are – won’t be so smug when they’re all suffering from the runs later on ahe!

Miserable? These mangy mother fuckers haven’t seen shit yet – whether it comes now or later, everything we do has a consequence.

“You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be”

I’m a little better now. I’m not feeling all that willing to put my feelings down in words, so much as I am in music right now, but I’ll get my mojo back soon

Right now, I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to run that blade over my skin.

“ I want to work on my character. I think it’s in there, a good person. I don’t believe in just doing good things, I want to feed my demon as well. One should learn to live both the demon and the angel, you know? But I have a way to go. People excite me, they turn me on. A new person can trigger things in you that you didn’t even know you had. If it’s musical that’s even better. The unknown turns me on. — Björk

Ever had one of those weekends that turns your world upside down? Ever spent time somewhere with people you’ve never met before & had everything you thought you had, wanted & wished for.. change? Ever gone on a three day bender & still feel the high 3 days later, even through the hangover?

I’m anticipating the crash back to earth, but… it really is taking it’s time.

Right now I feel so elated. I feel like I have a thousand bolts of lighting zapping through my veins. I’m on an adrenaline rush & nothing, no-one can knock me.

I’m sort of in limbo right now, as to where I want to go with my life. I feel like I’m at the crossroads. Maybe I’ve already even crossed, I feel like I might even be half way up the other fucking road if I honest.

I’d just like to voice the fact that I am a 21 year old woman. I am attractive, I am confident & I am my own person.

Whatever decision I make on where to take my future, it will be for me, no-one else. I’m tired of doing the “right thing” for other people. There’s no point in it, you get no thanks & you always end up the one hurting. I’m tired of hurting & dealing with bullshit.

I do not want to turn around when I’m 30 & resent everything I have.

I wanted to write this out, but I’m finding it a little too emotional so… maybe I’ll pick this up again later.