His voice is like the best part of every favorite song.

His touch almost burns my skin it’s so intense, even in my sleep my body reacts to his finger tips.

He is my every thought, even if he isn’t at the forefront of my mind, he’s there in my subconscious with everything else branching from him.

I’ve traced every line on his face a thousand times already, I know him by heart. I’m constantly watching him, drinking him in.. he catches me every now & again with that look of dreamy adoration across my face.

And it’s true, I do adore him.

The way he looks at me when we make love to the way he pulls his mouth when he’s concentrating on a task.. all of his little gestures & quirks . He makes me melt.

He’s unleashed an insatiable hunger in me. I eat him up with my eyes, nose, my mouth.. & still cannot get enough of him. I want to remember everything. I never want to lose this.

Even when lying in his arms, I ache for him.

I ache, I ache, I ache.

If all this is a mistake, it’ll be the most beautiful, perfect mistake I’ve ever made.

He has is my heart. Our souls intertwined. We are infinite.

His voice is like the best part of every favorite song.

I’ve been toying for months now on what to write here, this past week especially.

I’m in a new place in my life, a new chapter with new people person.

Things are different now.

I’m happy.

Fate, or something better. I couldn’t care less. Just stay with me..

So I went out & enjoyed myself every night for 6 days. Whoopdy fucking do.

Shit me a coconut, is it really that wrong? Was it really that crazy? Or like you so nicely put it “pathetic”.

How on earth living like the 21 year old woman I am, translates into being pathetic I have no idea. Maybe when I was with my ex & I couldn’t even cross the threshold & leave the house without popping a pill.. that’s pathetic. But this, I’d have thought you’d have been…happy for me.

You know how shit it’s been here the past 5 months? You know how hard I’ve worked to keep it together? 5 months here & I could have sworn that only now have I found some sort of sanity. But you say I’ve gone crazy. Well, I guess it works the same way with when my family call me selfish, where in fact it’s them who are fucked up.

I’m pretty sure this is nothing but good old jealously. I understand, believe me. However, pushing my buttons, never mind pushing me away… isn’t helping. I stayed home tonight, not because I had no other option but because I wanted to spend some time with you – after all, I haven’t seen you all week. But look how that ended. And don’t deny that you weren’t drunk. I am not an idiot. In fact I’ve probably been taken for a fool for far to long now. Regardless of age, who would want to live like this?

I didn’t realize until last Saturday quite how unhappy I was. Since then I’ve had the time of my life. I’ve discovered & rediscovered so many things. I’m feeling very lucky right now. Lucky to be alive & lucky to be able to experience the things I have & am doing.

There’s been a line here that needed crossed a long time ago, not so much in our relationship but something that’s been drilled into me by so many people from my past (& my present). It’s been almost like having a noose around my neck, or wearing a ball & chain… No matter how different you are, the voices from the past still dictate to me every now & again.

Last Saturday I crossed over, I took control & I chose something other than….well, somebody else. I chose myself & I chose what I wanted to do. In a way I might even have chosen my future. Maybe it’s a detour, I don’t know. My gut at least tells me it’s too late, it’s impossible even, to carry on the way I was. I can still follow the same route you understand, I just have to do it in my own way & in my own time. However I’m not sure that’s possible anymore. My options are weighed…& I’m not sure I like the odds. Mind you, I’m just crazy right?

If this is crazy, I think I like it. If anything, it’s given me the inspiration & motivation to write again.

Or maybe, just maybe…it’s only Infatuation.

Jammie Dodgers the biscuit of my childhood. Everyone has something that takes them back to the glory days of being an innocent child. I found mine tonight – Jammie Dodgers in the cupboard. I didn’t realise what I was eating until I shoveled one into my mouth, whilst waiting on the kettle boiling for my tea. Soon as I tasted the jam…I was there, 16-17 years ago, back in Auntie Gladis’ & John’s house.. lured to the biscuit tin whilst my parents snuck out the front door & made their escape down the driveway.

I just wanted to make a note of this, after all there’s not much else keeping me positive or the like right now. This feels so good

The song speaks for itself. (It’s so bang on it’s scary.)

I love you.

- A Beautiful Mess : Jason Mraz

Lyrics below the cut

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but youre needy,
Humble but youre greedy
Based on your body language, your shoddy cursive Ive been reading
Youre style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
Its like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks theyre quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
Theres no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship were staging

And its a beautiful mess, yes it is
Its like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life Ive heard
But its nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

Here we are x7

We’re still here

And what a beautiful mess this is
Its like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
Well fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But thats no concern when were wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it .

———————————-
I do not own the images and the music used for this video. NO COPYRIGHT INFRIDGEMENT INTENDED.

…I wish I was Home.

11 months today (:

And how long were we at the Shelter today? We clocked in at 11:50am & we left at 2:35pm. What a day!

It was overwhelming at times I must say, especially when one of the volunteers, Tommy, took us into a second building full of quarantined dogs – most of which were of the bully breed family. It was depressing, some of them just looked so .. hopeless. My god, was it loud too!!

We spent a good few hours in the ‘Meet & Greet room’, spending time, one on one, with 4 dogs in total. It was really tough to make a decision – then again, the ’sniffing out & nearly mauling the cat hiding in the cupboard’ episode certainly told us everything we needed to know about Man-Man, a beautiful beast if ever I saw one but not the dog for us!

I know, I know so lets get to the beef – Did we settle on anyone?!

The last dog we looked at, a Pit Bull/Boxer mix called Mason didn’t win me over straight away, I admit. But, after a half hour of him sat up on my lap, calm & content, not even leaving me to go see the child behind the fence who so desperately wanted his attention…

I was suckered. I AM suckered, suckered right on in damn it!! — We put in our application & are awaiting approval!

Tomorrow, assuming the police will actually act on things like they say, will be a day to celebrate.

I hope my uncle has enjoyed his weekend. I said that last weekend I know but honestly, the delay hasn’t bothered me one bit. The closer it gets to Christmas, the better.

This isn’t closure & it never will be. What it is though is one giant Fuck him! There’s a lot of feelings rushing through me right now but the most prominent one is actually excitement. I only wish I could be a fly on the wall to see him shit his pants.

What are we doing to a) Celebrate & b) …turn it into a joint Christmas present?

Well, after our little experience with Kojak (here, here & here.) we’ve long since hankered after rescuing another member of the bully breed family – I could go into a long, long post specifically about why we’re chosen to stand for Pit bull’s & the like but I think I’ll leave that for another day soon.

So, now that we’ve moved house & can actually have a dog, we’re even more eager.

Thursday night whilst browsing the local Metro Animal Shelter website we came across a beauty called, of all things, Vivian – yeah you read correctly. But names aside she was a real lover. Thing was, she’d been in the shelter since the 15th of July & they were obviously desperate to rid themselves of her.

Friday morning Bear handed me the phone & I called up about her, the daytime line wouldn’t work so I tried the evening one just for shits & giggles. Okay, so minus the giggles after what the girl on the other end of the phone proceeded to tell me.

She was a volunteer for the shelter & knew straight away who I was talking about.

“Oh god. They put her to sleep last month. She had a terrible, terrible life. She came in as a stray & gave birth to 10 puppies. They killed not only Viv but all her babies at a week old too. They don’t want the public to know, but they euthanize up to 30-40 animals every single day.”

I was stumped. It took a hell of a lot not to burst into tears down the phone on this girl I’m telling you.

But that was it, our minds were set. If they couldn’t give 11 lives a chance, we’d at least be able to give 1 a slice of hope & home. We embarked on a trek to the shelter which, unfortunately ended up not sticking to their hours listed online nor to the hours this girl told us… but not to dwell, at least we found out where the hell this place was.

It looked like a freakin’ fortress though, a prison. Incredibly depressing & it sure as hell wasn’t that last cigarette sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach. It was the sense of death & hopelessness.

I know these places are overrun & badly in-need of funding. I understand they have no other option. But why even give Vivian a sense of hope in the first place, why have her go through the birth & the first week of motherhood before murdering her & her pups? Everyone wants a puppy, I don’t understand why they weren’t at least given a chance at a family.

However, whilst we’re talking finances, it does make me wonder if her story was true & not just this angry volunteer trying to give me a sense of urgency. I mean, cost wise, even space wise, it just doesn’t make sense to have brought Vivian back to health, had her give birth & to put it bluntly, why would they wait to kill 11 dogs when they could have killed one & subsequently the other 10 would have died as a result.

I believe the public should know their figures too. How else do we get people to stop, listen & stop fucking breeding their animals when there’s tens of thousands being put to sleep every day because of over-population.

Tomorrow, Monday morning we’ll make the trip again & at some point during the visit I will enquire about Vivian as though I had never had that conversation on Friday. I do wonder if the response will be that she was adopted & all is well. If that’s so, I will be honest with them & tell them the tale I was told. Maybe it’s not a big deal to some of you, but to me, well, I want to know who might be lying to me & also, I might hope to be a volunteer there in the near future – I may not be able to work but I can volunteer.

From that experience we haven’t set our hearts on any of the dogs listed as I’m afraid of getting my hopes up & being shot down again like I was. I don’t take these things easy, evidently. But we’ll go around the building, take special care to see the ones who have been there the longest & perhaps, perhaps, we’ll put in an application for one of them. How I wish I could bring them all home, but such is life.

Anyhoo, watch this space… the sound of furry padded feet are approaching!